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Catharsis 11.18.2001

do you know how long it took me to fall in love with you?

breathe in, breathe out

thats how long

every time you kiss me, part of me dies

i can sense that you are near me

the day sky changes to night faster than it can register on my eyes

remnants of you are left over inside of me

and deep in my skin. smeared in trails across my body

like deep dry cuts

i feel like i am watching you through some kind of air that is really something like water

but still like something i can breath

i can hear you and see you but not in ways that i am used to

this is a foreign world to me

you cannot see me but somehow you know that i am watching you

it feels like i am seeing you from the other side of the mirror.

i feel your eyes looking into mine, but you don't know i am there

watching every movement that you make and every breath that you take

it's so hard when you have to look at someone in the eyes and hide everything you're feeling

just to make yourself feel stronger

our eyes met and i felt like she was looking right through me, through the act

right into the helplessness, into to the core of who i am

this is not how it was supposed to be

i am frozen

even now i cant imagine how someone gets so much control over you so quickly. i felt like a

trapped wolf chewing my bloody stump out of a trap

i remember the wind from the window, i was driving so fast and the wind was freezing

in a way i didn't even feel it

this is not how it was supposed to be

even in your weakest moment

there are still things about you I cannot escape

in your eyes

something that keeps me from moving

my body begins to feel like it is no longer mine

flesh that belongs to something greater than myself

something i will never fully attain

or understand

my eyes water

and my chest burns and pulses

periodic spurts of adrenaline

i dont understand whats happening to me

i

love you

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